The GOP has had, by my accounting, 46 debates with 29 total participants in 2011. During this seemingly endless string of debates, the universe has expanded, the economy has collapsed and the GOP candidates have shown why we will have a Kenyan Democrat in the White House through 2016.
Oh, the horror. Four more years of looking sideways at the camera, always speaking in profile, so your huge ears do not remind people of a volkswagen screaming down the autobahn with both doors open.
That is, of course, unless the Mayans were right. During the last GOP debate, I found myself hoping the Mayans were right.
In the light hearted spirit of the New Year, then, before we get down to the most serious mud-slinging of the 2012 campaign (I mean the vote to approve the new ED of the Baptist General Convention of Texas) I look back on the past debates in order to declare just how little any of the GOP debate figures seem able to exude presidentiality.
How not to look Presidential:
- Offer to bet someone $10,000 on the stage at a presidential debate.
- Spend a week explaining how your offer to bet $10,000 was a sharp debating tactic used to throw the other fellow off track.
- Say "Oops."
- Spend a week explaining how the use of the word "Oops" was a sharp debate tactic used to throw the other fellow off track.
- Let Ron Paul be forced to explain your legislative agenda for you, as you try to count down from "Papa Bear" to "Baby Bear."
- Be Ron Paul. Someone, please, get the man a coat that fits.
- Spend most of two debates explaining why you give large amounts of pizza money to women you "sort of know."
- On quitting the race because no one believes you would give $100,000 to a woman you "sort of know" be sure to quote the closing song of the Pokemon movie. Not the good Pokemon movie. The other one.
- Spend most of two debates describing what a government maverick you are. Then, be forced to explain how it is you got $1.6 million dollars from two government agencies for being such a maverick. Then, explain how you are the one with all the new ideas. Then, be forced to admit you have been around Washington so long you remember Nancy Pelosi's original hair color.
- Admit on stage you finally read Mitt Romney's book, which Mitt never actually did, then quote portions of it inaccurately while he stands next to you and then discover he has to bet you $10,000 you are wrong because he cannot actually remember what the book says.
Before you go to bed tonight, please take some time to think about this one final thought.
Can you imagine what Ronald Reagan would have done in a debate with this crowd? And, remember, according to all the pundits, Reagan was the slow one.
Opinions expressed here are mine alone.