No one can withstand the fury of the Vicious, Hissing (Giant) Ninjadilloes. Four to eight pounds of shelled anger come pouncing out of the night. Their tiny pointed heads wrapped in their trademark annotated bandanas, red for the female and blue for the male, they rise up with mighty hisses and fearsome cries.
"Sheee-ya!" they cry and kick in spry fashion, reticulated shells holding them taut.
No man and few women can hold their ground when confronted by the nocturnal ravagings of these dauntless creatures of doom. It is of one such brave woman we write today.
Em Finity is that woman.
Left alone to raise two daring lads as her husband was called into foreign service (or just left for awhile, we aren't actually sure), it was Em Finity who faced down the Vicious, Hissing (Giant) Ninjadilloes that attacked her homestead, night after night.
"They tore up my yard," Em sighed to this reporter. "They ate my posies. I cannot describe what they did to my begonias; not in a family blog. They chased our family dog until he went into severe depression."
"He has not been the same dog since then," Em added.
The Vicious, Hissing (Giant) Ninjadilloes took to coming around each night just after dark. Em told me she could hear them, massing in the decorative cacti just over on the neighbor's field. Em shuddered as she recalled dozens of tiny eyes, evil pointed ears, the devil spawn of the animal world, pumped full of Armadillo Growth Hormones, full of fuzzy roid-rage.
"I knew I had to take a stand," Em said. "It was them or us."
"I vowed they would not survive to eat my kids."
Armed only with her wits, her womanly courage, a repeating rifle, a Glock 9mm, an Uzi, two M-16s, an RPG, a slingshot, a Swiss Army Knife, a flame thrower, two fast runners from the USS Nimitz, a photon torpedo, the prayers of her congregation, the advice of her absent husband and her own professed ability to kill a man (or Ninjadilloe) with her thumb, Em set out late one evening to rid her yard of the Vicious, Hissing (Giant) Ninjadilloes. She was Em, armed and angry.
"I will bear any burden, make every sacrifice, pay any price, to make sure my broken-headed child does not have to have a Ninjadilloe in his room," she said.
Indeed. The mind boggles.