When I turned fifty, a decade ago, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. I began to fade out in the presence of persons under thirty-five. That is, it appeared, I disappeared, a bit at a time. At sixty (a number I never put next to my name, but, then, the Eagles are all over 70 and look at them) I vanished completely.
I ask all those in this culture over sixty to join me in this one determination. We must use our gift of invisibility for good and not for evil.
We can do great things for Those-Who-Cannot-See-Us, if only we will. We can:
- Hear the vain conversations of the young, and point them to a fuller life. Since they cannot hear us, there is no real need to entertain long talks with them. Instead, we should just interject a word or two when they pause. Since they cannot see us, they will believe they have come up with the bright idea on their own. This will result in several moments of self-congratulation from the pre-thirty year olds, but we can ignore this and just wait for another pause.
- When speaking to the Self-Absorbed Generation, we must work close enough to overcome their Ruined Hearing. Remember they have worn headphones, ear buds and various other contraptions actually on their heads or in their ears since they were in their first heteronomous sub-stage. They literally cannot hear. Do not think they are just being flatulent when they try to listen to you. Their intense look of concentration is caused by their deafness. Beethoven was a cave bat next to their hearing.
- Snatch the electric instrument from their soft clutches and smash it into Google-bits. Remember to recycle the remnants. Your snatching actions will cause the younger person to look up, which they have not done much. You will doubtless hear some popping noises as their vertebrae snap. Remember they have no muscles to hold their necks in place. They can only look down. This will help you outmaneuver them, as you snatch their life plug.
- Watch the way each one goes. Remember each one is a person, in varying degrees of sentience. Respect is necessary, but grace is vital. You will have to apply generous helpings of grace. These people are largely unparented, helplessly wired but unable to function if their software malfunctions, or, horror of horrors, if they cannot get on line.
- Assuage their allergies. These beings do not function out of doors. The least allergen will cause nose-running and hive-popping.
- Accept their mores. For these generations, a kiss good-night can be anything from an actual kiss to, well, you know. Listen, use your invisibility, and hope for the best. Soon it will be spring and you will mostly have the outdoors to yourself.